Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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