at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
