Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I have fence marks all over my body
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
