I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
