Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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