Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
