I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
