you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm having to shit out rocks
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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