That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
