I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
