I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
