i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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