then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I AM VODKA MAN
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
