I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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