I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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