dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
