Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
well, you know. whores of a feather.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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