dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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