You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm too high and old for this...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
