Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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