I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
