i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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