I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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