so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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