Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
