last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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