i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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