Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
