I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I looked at my own cervix.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
