I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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