you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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