And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
