I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
