Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
