Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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