apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
