Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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