Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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