Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
