I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
