i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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