for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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