I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Life is so much better after having sex.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
