someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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