halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
