Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
