She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
