that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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