We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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