this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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