The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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