Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
