I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
