her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
