You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
