roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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