I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize